Tonight adoption is tough

Mickey had a tough night.  Nothing earth shattering, just wound up and he had difficulty controlling it.  He and Minnie had a little spat over some nonsense and he screamed at her.  She was coming off of a very exciting chorus concert and was in a great mood – a mood that shattered and had her back downstairs in tears.  These words broke my heart.

Minnie: I don’t want to meet my birth mother ever.

Me: What?  Why do you say that?

Minnie: Because, her choices ruined everything.  Mickey’s life didn’t have to be like this and neither did ours.  Our life is so much harder because of her and her choices.  Remind me of this if I ever say I want to meet her.

She sobbed and sobbed.  It is true to some degree, the birth mother’s choices to use drugs and alcohol during her pregnancy with Mickey did very likely contribute to his challenges. Her choices to use alcohol with Minnie may be contributing to her memory retention and her challenges at school (though they are minor).  Mickey figured this out during the 100+ doctor visits where it was discussed.

Tonight it is tough because as I mentioned before, I struggle with loving and hating the birth mom.  But, I don’t want my kids to hate her.  She loved them in her way and her addiction was just stronger.  I don’t want them to hate the part of themselves that is her. I understand Minnie’s frustration – her life as Mickey’s sister isn’t always easy.  Some days it is damn hard. She loves him, but at times he scares her.  She is a little girl and hasn’t mastered reading his demeanor and even when she knows she shouldn’t, she will exacerbate the problem – partly because she is 8 and partly because she is his sister and bugging siblings is part of the job description.

Tonight was that night.  It is a shame because she did great in her performance.  He did okay, considering he was bouncing off the walls.  He celebrated her performance.  But, at bed time, she was tired and so was he.  They fought. He yelled.  He slammed a door and stomped.  She cried and he got madder.  Usually Minnie just blames Mickey, but tonight it was the birth mother.  I repeated the same standard line – she loved you. She couldn’t get a hold on her addiction, but she loves you.  She didn’t want to cause pain, etc. but in the end, as much as Mickey is desperate to meet the birth mom, I am relatively sure Minnie won’t be interested. She has never expressed her anger before toward the birth mother.  I wonder how long that has been brewing?  I don’t really care if they do or don’t ever want to meet their birth mother – that is their choice.  I will support that decision, whichever way they decide.  But, I work hard to help them understand that she isn’t a monster and I don’t want them to hate her.  That won’t end well for them.  Obviously tonight, for Minnie, i failed.

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